Taking Me Back

Quite some time ago I kind of lost myself. I lost hold of the things that made me happy, but now I am taking them back. And more importantly I am taking me back. I can't love someone wholeheartedly if I don't love myself the same way. Its nice to do things for people as long as you aren't taken for granted. So I am gonna start by taking back my vaninja (sounds super cool). I have been inspired by a close friend to take the journey of abstinence and have been warned all too many times that the journey will be anything but easy. It is just something that I have to be strong-willed on (learning that too. She confuses things and makes things complicated so once I shut her down I can begin to get myself all the way together.)

I am taking my heart back not from love but from everything else especially pain and disappointment. Any love previously felt isn't going away but I need to focus more on loving me. Someone once asked me "what do you like" and the question which should have been relatively easy, stumped me. How could I not know what I like? How could I just float along and presumably make others happy while ignoring myself? So I am gonna start planning myself some time for myself to find and enjoy things. Who knows maybe I will find myself a hobby that will last longer than a week.

And I am most definitely taking back my emotions especially anger. I need to heal completely and stop letting old wounds reopen. I have to let some of this anger and resentment go completely. I am just going to take me back if I want to be the woman I picture me to be. I was never healed to begin with so how is it that I expect perfect happiness in my life?

I've come to the point where I need to wash my hands of a situation. I have to put it in the hands of the Lord and continue to pray for the soul of someone close to me.

You know I got a disturbing message the other day and it has haunted my memories since I heard it. So I stopped and did the only thing that came to mind...I prayed. I prayed for her soul to heal, her mind to get right, and her situation to improve. I prayed the no-good friends she had moved on so she could focus on what's best for her.

I think I came to peace with the fact that I cannot help no matter how hard I have tried. No matter how good and heart-felt the advice was given it wasn't accepted nor appreciated. I finally let go and let God and now the worries that once ran through my mind are gone. Nightmares don't and can't haunt me day and night anymore. I gave it to God and he is the best of all.

So my prayer is for my sister Gabrielle. I pray that she realizes that she has more potential than she gives herself credit for. I pray that she gets her education back on track and graduate. I pray that she stop doing things that are destructive to both her mind, body, and soul. I pray that she gets her priorities straight and realizes her true worth. I pray that she find prosperity in a job she loves. I pray that she finds God again and turn her back on the devil. I pray that she realizes what her family has been trying to get through to her: we really do care and love you and nothing is given to you unless you truly work for it or at least show that you are trying. I pray that she stops dealing with these losers who don't understand her worth, strength, or emotion. I pray that she gets herself together before she finds herself in a situation that is more detrimental to her than she can handle. I pray that all the anger and hatred she feels is replaced with love and patience. I pray that God changes her soul for the better and brings her closer to him so he can guide her in her decisions and gets her life on the right track.