**Sometimes, I wonder through the forest and wonder if every tree that stands was an issue that nature had to get around or are the trees protecting the real beauty of the forest deep inside ~Me**I talked to my dad yesterday for about 2+ hours. I think this is one of the most critical conversations I have ever had with him and it made me realize alot about myself, my emotions, my grudges, and my heart. I think I have spent the last decade of my life resenting my father and being angered by what he has has done to me emotionally and mentally. And now that he has gotten older and been through some very troublesome times he has apologized for the small amount of time he spent with me and for stopping our bond from growing all the stronger because he was too busy chasing booty around the state of Michigan. But I think the most of my hatred came from my childhood and his role in not protecting me. Even though he and my mother split up I still believe he should have been a better father and maybe I wouldn't have been molested for those 2 years by my babysitters. If he would have stepped in and came to see me more and pick me up just so we could hang out, then maybe some of the horrible things I went through wouldn't have happened.
So now I have grown into this young woman who on the outside seems as bright as the sun. But on the inside I am plagued with turmoil, resentment, and anger because I left from being a little girl who just wanted some attention from her father to a young woman and still finding myself wanting the same thing. It angers me that for years we stayed in the same city and I only seen him on weekends and holidays.I wish he would have taken parenting more serious instead of treating it like a part time job.
But what I must realize is that everything happened to me for a reason. I had to learn to be strong even when I didn't want to be. I had to learn that smiling really does get rid of the pain. I had to learn that bottling up my emotions only gave me two emotions: happiness and rage. I learned to be severely overprotective of my family. And more importantly I had to learn that my father is a man full of faults just as I am a woman full of faults. He has realized his mistakes and has apologized for them. I just have to unburden my heart and actually accept that what happened did indeed happen. But everything that has happened to me in my life has made me stronger, more aware (even when others think otherwise), I have grown an ability to adapt wherever I am. I buried myself in my schoolwork, which in turn made me smarter. I pushed myself to be something more than what others wanted me to be.
The only downfall is that it gave me a distrust in my heart for sometime. And it made my pride so damn great that I wouldn't ask for help even when I really needed it. But I have worked on some of the thing I recognize within me and have tried and prayed that they are fixed and healed. In time I think I will finally and wholeheartedly forgive my father for the pain he has caused in my life and heart
1 comment:
Damn, thats some ocean deep depth. Not knowing your past its easy to assume, and in your case it was easy to assume the happy go lucky attitude you wear in public. You are a great woman, mother, friend, and will someday make a great wife. Seeing the actions of your father will push you to always strive to be a better mother for your son, and it sad that it takes something like that to bring out the best in us. But you said it best, you are now a stronger person because of it, and that really is all that matters. Learning from the past is the best way to look into the future. In most cases i would tell people to take that pain and turn it into something positive, but not only have you already done that youve moved on. That shows growth and maturity. It takes most people lifetimes to get over the things that youve been through, and some never even make it to a place where they are able to forgive, to grow, move on with their lives. You are really an inspiration; your drive is so intense that youve motivated me (tuff to do). Youre ability to smile even when hurting inside is something not only endearing but it also seems strange, because you really appear to wear your heart on your sleeve (youve got 1 helluva poker face). Continue to do what you do, because it is definitely working.
***good luck & Godspeed on your journey to enlightenment --- c u there ;)
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