My Business

Okay, all too often I hear people talking about their "business," people all in their "business,” and people telling their "business." But what exactly constitutes your business? Please explain that to me.

For instance, if you and I do something, anything together, be it discussing sexual history or things we want to try, isn't this just as much of my business as it is yours? Or does this only apply to those in relationships? If it only applies to those in relationships is there some sacred code in place that says I shouldn’t discuss the issues of you and me?

There is something I just don’t understand about the whole concept. Now I don’t condone just walking around telling people things that you have heard or may know just because. Some things happen in private that should only EVER be shared between the two of you. There is a certain level of understanding in that fact. However, things that affect me, affect me and I have all the right to discuss them with whom I please (in a tactful way of course, no names given). Now on one hand I could see how someone wouldn’t want anyone they don’t know that well to know anything displeasing about them. I can also see how it would make you uneasy that a stranger now has a certain disposition in the way they may or may not feel about you. I can also understand that conversations held with your significant other are held with the expectancy of complete trust and confidence.

My big beef with the whole thing is that people are always quick to say someone is in their “business” and they already have involved someone in their business, the other person.

It bewilders me when people in the public eye, especially men, cheat or do something they have no business doing then have the nerve to say the other person shouldn’t be all up in their “business.” Get a grip for one; you’re in the public eye. The only business you have is that that only involves you and only you. If you cheat on your wife and the other woman is being spiteful for whatever reason, I say tell it all girl. Then maybe some of these trifling people will keep their “business” where it should be.

Bottom-line is no one will ever have someone out of their “business.” Unless, you fell from the stars and knew of no one on this planet. But then again, you will be talked about because you aren’t from here, etc. Don’t get mad if everyone is all in your “business” because you could use that opportunity to educate someone on things they may or may not know. OR….. Drop off the face of the planet and after a while people will forget about you and your business.

In the Rain

The weather is overcast. The roads are slick with rain, oil, and antifreeze and whatever the asshole ahead of you just threw out of their window. And here you are driving a steady pace and concentrating on the road. Then it happens...so dumb fuck drives past you doing 90mph in the rain like its nothing. A funny thing happens when rain and speeding mix...its called "hydroplaning" bitch. Ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh, I hate people who do this. If you really wanna raise your car insurance and ruin your car by all means do so, other then that drive like you have some sense. Jeez, there's always a couple douche bags that will pull this mess as if visibility isn't limited enough. Maybe they have some secret about driving faster in the rain that the world should be let in on, I don't know, but it irks the hell outta me.

Driving from work today some too fast and delirious driver flies by me doing at least 100 for no fucking reason at all (about a mile or so later this ass is driving somewhat slower) and changes lanes without using a signal or anything almost causing an accident. In my next life I soooooooooooooooo wanna be a police officer free to ticket all the idiot drivers, especially the ones who drive like stunt drivers in the rain.

Taking Me Back

Quite some time ago I kind of lost myself. I lost hold of the things that made me happy, but now I am taking them back. And more importantly I am taking me back. I can't love someone wholeheartedly if I don't love myself the same way. Its nice to do things for people as long as you aren't taken for granted. So I am gonna start by taking back my vaninja (sounds super cool). I have been inspired by a close friend to take the journey of abstinence and have been warned all too many times that the journey will be anything but easy. It is just something that I have to be strong-willed on (learning that too. She confuses things and makes things complicated so once I shut her down I can begin to get myself all the way together.)

I am taking my heart back not from love but from everything else especially pain and disappointment. Any love previously felt isn't going away but I need to focus more on loving me. Someone once asked me "what do you like" and the question which should have been relatively easy, stumped me. How could I not know what I like? How could I just float along and presumably make others happy while ignoring myself? So I am gonna start planning myself some time for myself to find and enjoy things. Who knows maybe I will find myself a hobby that will last longer than a week.

And I am most definitely taking back my emotions especially anger. I need to heal completely and stop letting old wounds reopen. I have to let some of this anger and resentment go completely. I am just going to take me back if I want to be the woman I picture me to be. I was never healed to begin with so how is it that I expect perfect happiness in my life?

Guess What...You ARE NOT a Thug!

THIS IS NOT GANGSTA!





Whats with the fascination of being attempting to show they are gangsta. Newsflash, you are not. Is it really that hard to just be yourself? Everyone claims to not care what others think of them yet some go out of their way to prove themselves. WTF? I wonder if they ever walk around and ask "What do I think of myself?" Gangstas have short life spans and no 401Ks, heck they don't have insurance...who in their right mind wants that life? Its especially annoying when all of these so-called gangstas are young, hell even old black men. That is so depressing, we are constantly losing our good leaders, strong black men who are capable of doing great things but they get caught up in the bullshit and we lose them either to death or prison.

Just because you watch a couple movies and listen to some Tupac cds, then imitate what you and hear see does not, i repeat, DOES NOT make you gangsta. It makes you an idiot. You can't study for your classes in school but you can study to get a persona of ill repute. Are you kidding me? And when in the world did people , especially families think this kind of behavior is acceptable? There is a difference in a child with behavioral issues and a child with psychological issues is... wait no there isn't an issue, they need their ass beat period.

We need to go back to the 60s and 70s when you didn't mess up or try any foolishness or the neighborhood would unite with their belts and commence the ultimate ass whoopin challenge with you as the guest star. Boy I tell ya back in the days when people were concerned with the well-being of others.

Relationships: When Love Isn't Enough

Why is it that love seems so simple when you are younger? You think that it conquers all and that with it anything is possible. It is but then you mis emotions, egos, and logic from both the man and the woman and poof there goes the relationship. So why stick around if you want something more, if you crave something more? Is it because we easily fool ourselves into believing things will change for the better and that rough patches come and go? Or is it because your both too scared to start over?

The older I get the more I understand that love isn't enough and what I really want out of a man. I want romance, passion, conversation, more of the little things that show you are thinking about me. I don't want to stay in a relationship that seems to be running in place. I don't want to have to raise emotional walls again because of what you have said or done. I shouldn't have to decide if I want to share my feelings or keep them to myself because I shouldn't have to do that. I want to be sensitive, show that I have a vulnerable side, cry because I am happy or sad, but I don't have that joy. It seems like my heart went from being totally open to closing itself off again. I guess its my subconscious tell me something better change.

What I do know is that I need some time to love on myself for a change and stop offering so much of myself without any reciprocation. Not saying that I am not being loved back, just that I can't see it. I'm tired!

The College Experience...I Got Hosed!

I must have watched entirely too much of "A Different World" growing up because I was completely blindsided by the college experience. I found very few friendships worth maintaining beyond their expiration date because lets face it...everyone is not and will not be your friend. Now for a naturally friendly person imagine how I felt when I figured this crap out. I meet people and put my best foot forward in being there when they need me and never turning my back on them even when they deserve it. I never have an agenda when meeting someone because that is just lame and brings on bad karma. I try not to talk about people behind their backs and if I have and they ask me about it I let them know what I said. Its no secret so why lie about it? Lets just say I was displeased with a lot of things.

There are two parts of the college life that are suppose to exist: the social life and the student life. The social life was okay at first. Fresh in college so everyone met and alleged friendships started instantly. But then shit happens and friends disappear. I swear to Beavis that stuff is annoying. I now know why some people are loners, lol. But me being the social butterfly that I am I continue to make and lose friends like there is no tomorrow. I thought college was the place where you met and made friends for life, I made a few and I am grateful. Most of my friends are guys [chicks are spawns of everything evil, not sugar and spice like the rhyme says, most are anyways but thats another post] they rock and I love em for it. I joined every damn group on campus with the exception of like 2 and by the end of senior year I was in none, lol.

And that brings me to the student life. I took a butt load of courses that I have now deemed useless in my career...a few have been excluded but the rest were just a waste of my money. College doesn't even expose you to what the work force has to offer or at least mine didn't. I hate learning theories, teach me something thats going to make me a valuable employee and show my true potential. I studied my tail off for many things that are out dated and not even used in the workforce now. I should have taken up something useful like cheese appreciation now theres something I can use, just kidding. Oh well, hopefully Grad school will be alot better.

I've come to the point where I need to wash my hands of a situation. I have to put it in the hands of the Lord and continue to pray for the soul of someone close to me.

You know I got a disturbing message the other day and it has haunted my memories since I heard it. So I stopped and did the only thing that came to mind...I prayed. I prayed for her soul to heal, her mind to get right, and her situation to improve. I prayed the no-good friends she had moved on so she could focus on what's best for her.

I think I came to peace with the fact that I cannot help no matter how hard I have tried. No matter how good and heart-felt the advice was given it wasn't accepted nor appreciated. I finally let go and let God and now the worries that once ran through my mind are gone. Nightmares don't and can't haunt me day and night anymore. I gave it to God and he is the best of all.

So my prayer is for my sister Gabrielle. I pray that she realizes that she has more potential than she gives herself credit for. I pray that she gets her education back on track and graduate. I pray that she stop doing things that are destructive to both her mind, body, and soul. I pray that she gets her priorities straight and realizes her true worth. I pray that she find prosperity in a job she loves. I pray that she finds God again and turn her back on the devil. I pray that she realizes what her family has been trying to get through to her: we really do care and love you and nothing is given to you unless you truly work for it or at least show that you are trying. I pray that she stops dealing with these losers who don't understand her worth, strength, or emotion. I pray that she gets herself together before she finds herself in a situation that is more detrimental to her than she can handle. I pray that all the anger and hatred she feels is replaced with love and patience. I pray that God changes her soul for the better and brings her closer to him so he can guide her in her decisions and gets her life on the right track.